If you knew how many drafts I've got saved in my blog workspace right now you'd probably laugh. I've been writing quite a bit, but they seem to be endless essays with lots run on sentences and not a lot of focus. They are also a little bit raw, and very honest, and frankly a bit scary.
I've spent the last six months really thinking about where I want this to go, if it needs to go anywhere, and in the process I've sort of just shut it all down. I've been so conflicted about what to do with it, which has manifested itself in a giant case of self-doubt regarding it, which has pretty much just paralyzed it. I'm unsure about what I want to share, why I should even want to share it, who in the world will want to read it, why I'm concerned with who's reading it, and then frankly, not enough pictures.
Which leads me to mention two blogs post I read today that clarified a few things for me, got me thinking about the whole situation in a new light, and urged me to get on here and actually hit the publish button on something, anything.
First. Social media, blogging, Instagramming, etc. is like my stay-at-home mom water-cooler. It's my way of connecting with people. And I'm sort of sick of feeling guilty about loving it so much. Yes, I actually "know" only a handful (less, even) of the bloggers and grammers I follow, but for whatever reason, I connect with these people. Whether it be through their gorgeous imagery, thoughtful words, yummy dinners, or funny kid pictures, social media is just that; a way for me to feel social in my stay-at-home mom world. Yes, I think I can get a little too involved, and just like I had to refrain from too much chatter with colleagues at the office, I have to refrain from too much screen time with my phone. But gosh darn it, if I want to share a whole bunch of nonsensical garbage on this blog or on my Instagram, I'm going to do it.
Second. This space started off as, and then lost it's way as, a way to document our little life. Our families and friends are flung far and wide and though we talk with them regularly, I know that sharing pictures of the kids and our goings-on has brought so much joy to the grandparents and aunts and uncles and friends we miss so much. And the boys, don't get me started on how much they love to look at the photos of themselves on these pages. I don't know if they'll be very interested in looking back nostalgically (maybe their future spouses will), but when I'm 50 or 75 or 100, I'll want to have the years of memories somewhere, and this blog feels as good a place as any. This space has also given me such joy artistically. I love photography. I love taking pictures and capturing beauty and processing photos. I've learned and grown more than I thought I could (or needed to, HA!) in this hobby and it's brought me, for the most part, so much peace. And these are just such good things.
So, I suppose I'm just going to start here, where I am, in the middle of all the conflicting feelings of self-doubt and unease and just get after it. I used to be able to write so freely here and with such ease, and I genuinely miss that. So here I am, back at it again. Go easy on me.